Paths

What do you do while on the trail of life when you are offered multiple routes to take and you take the wrong one?

I’m an executive assistant by role- administrative expert by trade.  At any given moment during a typical workday I’d be doing everything from running to get someone a meal before typing proposals to clients and researching for backgrounders- you know- truly crucial, life-saving work (cue the sarcasm).  While this may be momentarily challenging, my disposition while at work is making it worse these days.  Although internally, I struggle most with the duty of time management in my position, it seems they have hired me because they feel I excel at it.  Who knew?!  I’ve earned the title here as a multitasking queen- but I’m currently suffering because of it.

In wiser hindsight, I can say I’m good at spreading my energies because I feel like my brain has multiple thoughts simultaneously- a gift also known as anxiety.  It races like Usain Bolt in whichever directions my hormones are sending it currently.  My body can be perfectly still and calm on the surface but, I’ll be in panic mode mentally.  I have many triggers that lead me to the manic-panic side of things but lately the most telling cause has been obsessing about my finances and more importantly, my future in general.  I have so much trepidation when contemplating my next steps in life that I give myself panic attacks from time to time- and I’m not alone.

The ADAA reports that 72 percent of people who have daily stress and anxiety say it interferes with their lives at least moderately.  In that same survey, it’s stated that 30 and 40 percent of the participants in the study experience persistent stress or excessive anxiety in their daily lives and those with daily stress have reported taking prescription medication to manage their problems respectively.  Out of the same sample group, only 28 percent have admitted to having a panic attack and even less- only 9 percent- have even been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder.

There are case studies and surveys galore detailing the effects of stress but, what about the measurable effects of expectations?  Where is there an essay describing the times that the hopes we had for ourselves crashed around us and the disappointment crippled our psyches?  I’m sure the metrics on disappointment have been studied- somewhere.  I’m just not sure it’s easy to make articles like these popular amongst millennial crowds but, I digress ‘cause, I’m going to try it anyway.

While anxiety seems to be the theme of this piece, I promise it’s only the vehicle that my disappointments use to show their presence. 

I find it’s that anxiety is my consequence of allowing life to lead me, instead of me leading my own life.  It is the karma of drifting through the day-to-day rather than actually experiencing it.  My anxiety is the delay of my will to make an active change in the course of my life rather than blaming current circumstances for un-achieved goals. 

If I can regain control of the rudder in my life-long journey, the paths I choose will be much more fulfilling just because I’d now be living in lieu of my choices instead of in spite of them.  While this sounds amazing to hear and even prettier to read, the actions described are much harder to bring to fruition.

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