Sometimes I make myself sick. I get pangs in the pit of my stomach and then my palms sweat and everything seems harder to do. Even my breathing gets labored in those moments. I find myself feeling a mixture of lost and incapable when this happens and I often ache to revert to simpler times. In each of those instances, the cause of the sickness is me. My habits make me sick.
I can logically plan everything from detailed business plans to annual budgets but, it’s all for nothing if I’m planning for the wrong reasons- and it’s even worse when you’re planning for the wrong person. I leave myself hanging A LOT.
My anecdotes and reminders to others revolving their self-care apparently are remise on me. All the care I muster these days seems to be misplaced. I need to be stopped- period. I’m writing this to myself as a warning: Stop being a people-pleaser!
On many more occasions than I care to recount (over the past ten plus years- possibly even my entire life), I have allowed the opinions of others to take precedence over what I actually wanted for myself and my future. It has come in the form of my needs of familial acceptance, the assurance of my friends that I was the “fun” friend down for anything, and being the girlfriend who doesn’t complain.
At work, I do the same destructive behavior but, it’s seen in my phony “work voice” and the skewed perspectives I work so hard to keep to myself- to prevent chances of any colleagues knowing how I truly feel about them day in and out. I hide so much about myself from the judgment of others and I can’t even begin to unravel why I even do that and when I actually started that habit.
I am exhausted! I’m so tired of not being able to be all of ME all the time that I had to write this to ask myself the hard questions:
Why do you care what they think?
What do you even think of yourself?
Why do you think that about yourself?
Do you not value your own opinions enough to share them willingly?
The answers to those questions will come to me once I begin to “do the work” as Iyanla says. And I guess it’s time my shift there has started. Wish me luck!