On a Friday- February 7th, 2020- I took all the gumption I had in reserve and said formal goodbyes to the executives and colleagues that have shaped my current skill set and refined my administrative prowess. Then the fears of whether I was making the correct decision had resurfaced, and I found myself weeping that entire day. I would miss those people- even the aggravating personalities- and the comfort of having a consistent paycheck would be missed as well.
I was so dramatic.
Though I was leaving the place I was growing stagnant in, the sting of leaving the familiar and predictable would soon be compounded by the death of Marcia Horowitz- my most recent boss and most important mentor. I had seen this on the horizon due to the stage 4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis she received in September but, the timing was eerie almost. She left us the following Monday to my previous Friday departure from the company.
Marcia was the reason I had even garnered the confidence in my skills in writing enough to start this blog and eventually to go the freelance route. We had discussed ad nauseum over our tenure about the many different choices I had, given all the untapped potential she saw in me. She noticed me, her much younger Executive Assistant, as a great communicator whom she often left to fully run her professional life in her stead- to go to her ultra-important, well-deserved hair and nail appointments…
She’d have laughed at that. I miss her laugh most…
Her death made me have to come to terms with my fears of abandonment and fear of change as a whole. Marcia’s mothering brand of supervision had placed her on a pedestal of sorts in my heart, and losing her was like losing my own mother all over again. She and I had always said we’d leave the company together and, in my selfish mind, I believe her timing was as impeccable to her word as it had always been throughout our time together.
Initially, this post was going to be sad and reflective and one that pontificated on things she was never much interested in hearing about anyway- so to honor her, I will keep it upbeat and show how her light still shines on through me.
I’m conquering the fears like she would. I’ll joke through the awkward moments, channel my anxiety through pursuit of goals, and keep pushing through hard times to live as presently and passionately as possible. I’ll love you always, Marcia. <3
*this post is the first of the Mental Maintenance Series, a sub-series dedicated to a focus on mental health upkeep*