It took me six weeks to come to terms with the fact that Covid-19 was slowly driving me to depression. I simply feel so much- so intensely and simultaneously- that I thought sharing these sentiments would not only be selfish, but ill-timed. We ALL are going through changes, and ones so monumental that previous thinking about our futures, even collectively, is a stark contrast to how things may actually be going forward. I can truly only speak for myself but, the empath in me feels the angst in the air.
That tangible, toxic tension that taints our thoughts but teases toward a titillating thereafter. One full of promise, uncertainty, but most absolutely- change in course for all humanity from here on out. It’s forcing our hand to be different, approach life alternatively, and to evolve past the obvious missteps made by our [the American public’s] government in handling this crisis.
I’m left with so many questions- like we all are as a nation- but more individually, my questions are all introspective. How will I grow? What will be my next steps? Do I even want to still live here? Did I make the right decision in deciding to leave my previous role when I did?
I’m blessed to have a mate who lives with me and is a person willing to cover expenses when necessary. I also have been able to file for unemployment- ironically, because of the timing of everything. I am eternally grateful to God and the ancestors looking out for me in many regards, but those have GOT to be the most crucial for me currently. That added piece of mind, even temporarily, is granting me the semblance of peace that I’m mustering to write this. It’s so been hard creatively, man.
Stifling, suffocating almost- like my inspiration suddenly caught the virus too. I have jotted down and started so many posts but, none aligned with my spirit. The funniest thing is- I had planned a whole year’s worth of content prior to even leaving my job. That USED to give me confidence in this venture. Covid stole that from me. It made me cynical of myself. Crushed my drive to even attempt full paragraphs so, all I had were topic sentences. Weak ass shit I no longer could put my passion behind. Was it gone?
Nah. It isn’t gone but, it was shaken there for a minute. I had to reposition myself and sincerely admit that I had no clue what the next steps were- and it was driving me crazy. I had lost the reigns of my life, even just for a few weeks, and the control freak in me was not having it. Thankfully, I loosened up through meditation, exercise on my new Peloton, and meme therapy. Also, remote love from my family and friends helps immensely. I love them so much and they love me enough to #STAYHOME and still celebrated my birthday while we shelter in place separately.
Through love and quarantine, we’re definitely going to get through these weird and uncertain times. I only hope our passions come with us too. I’ll still be here- thinking out loud. Please stick around while we all figure this out collectively. <3