I miss me

I haven’t had much room or access to speak my feelings wholly and honestly lately. It’s led me back here and I’m grateful for that, first of all. And, to be driven to public expression because the usual confidantes are nowhere to be found, just doesn’t feel like a valid enough reason to whine. I’m blessed and grateful for each blessing but, the hidden desire for true happiness peaks it’s head in from time to time. Why aren’t the blessings fulfilling me enough to hold on to that feeling? Why do I allow my anxieties to cloud my reality?

Because this is just an outpouring of emotion, these thoughts may not all be complete and resolute. My brain has been foggy since I fully understood that my ambition and empathy may actually be harming me. I can’t seem to be satisfied and I’m not sure if it’s a sign that I’m due for more and better, or if I’m destined to never truly be content. I signed myself up for tasks that truly feel cumbersome and overlapping- all to satiate a fear of not having enough.

I start school again this week- new semester and first time going to college full time since 2007. I am continuing a temp role that has honestly worn out it’s welcome this week. I am starting a role this week that I really think will pave the way for my career in my chosen major and career field. And finally, I’m doing all this while considering planning a wedding and events for it next year with a very dear friendship in contention. She was usually the person I grew reliant on for venting and candid expressions. I’d usually go to her with all my highs and lows.

Recently though, due to wedding planning, an entitled travel agent, and miscommunication, we both don’t feel comfortable reaching out to each other. I miss her but, the time apart has led me to understand my unfair reliance on her to be my sole source of a “listener”. I did her and I both a disservice by granting only her that kind of access to me and my thoughts and emotions. I shouldn’t have made her the sole choice I give myself to open up.

Friendships and familial relationships in my life had proven over the years to be conditional, so I latched on harder and harder to her over our 20+ year span as friends. She felt like the only person to care to even find out my true opinions of things in spite of whatever was currently going on with me. She validated my voice and concerns. She is a true friend. Unfortunately though, things happen and life leads people closer to and away from people at a whim- and right now, it’s our turn to be distant. That’s okay, and way more healthy than shallow interaction and a denial of our true sentiments. I’ll gladly take this time to learn healthier ways to go about dealings with all of my friends and loved ones- not just her.

While she means the world to me, she’s not my only point of contention currently. My cousin has always been distant from me as we grew up together because of completely differing paths in life starting from our high school ages. I have always respected her decision to stay at arms length but- with my recent wedding events, her lack of response to my invitations and inquiries to her- it shows me how far we’ve fallen in terms of interest and interaction.

Honestly, it just hurts my feelings to be ignored by her. My fear keeps wanting me to reflect that and stop attempting to reach out but, I too used to cope with things alone because I felt like family didn’t care. So, she may be experiencing that and I don’t want her to ever feel like she’s not worth my continued efforts to connect. I love her dearly and will gather myself to reach out until I get an answer or at least a conversation. I hope she doesn’t find that overbearing…

As you can see, I’m clearly a bleeding heart wherever I go and I used to be ashamed of it. I also used to be taken advantage of because of it. People label you sensitive and fragile because you have open and candid empathy so, I have taught myself to shield my true emotional expressions from people who I don’t trust with it…. But lately, I just want to feel open again.

I am so lucky to be marrying a man who has stepped in to be a truly great friend and the best friend I need right now. But I need wholeness and understanding and serenity for myself as an individual, and I am determined to earn that for myself going forward. How can I ever heal others when I’m in need of healing myself?

Anyway, thanks for reading this sincere deluge of emotion. I hope you learn- like I will- how to stay open, and wholly love yourself. Peace.

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